Mourning

Ann Morrow Lindbergh in her "In Hour of Gold, Hour of Head" said, “I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, then all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. For those who cannot grieve or mourn, depression often is the end result. The depression assists the person by acting as a defense. The defense system includes denial of loss, separation from other activities that demand openness and vulnerability. In depression nothing is working to assist the person to grow through their grief and mourning. Those who use depression as a defense increase their risk of losing potential support of their social network. This risk is particularly true for the older widow. Widows tend to experience painful social relationships when her life is strongly tied to multi dimensions of her husband’s life. The more involvement the more his death will effect her life. The big question is what can a widow do to assist herself through her grief while being supported by a social network. What does it take to be open and vulnerable? Who is her support network? Children and lifelong friends can provide support, but they may become impatient with the time needed to mourn. Often it is only others who are newly widowed themselves that can understand the depth and breadth of pain caused by the death. So it is important not to push into the fast lane by well-meaning family and friends. By expressing feelings a widow is being open and vulnerable to those feelings. For the moment the feeling hurts, but they will not become depression. Eventually, the widow can live with her memories and undertake new activities, which are rewarding. Friend making, network building, finding new purpose are part of the way to mourn. This type of mourning is far healthier than using depression as a defense. The Dale Association’ Senior Centre can be reached at 433-1886. Other communities offer senior activities.