Caregiver Coping

Today’s column is from a caregiver’s perspective.  The strategies are written from a caregiver’s experience in an attempt to live a balanced life – juggling work, commitment to children and grandchildren, and an ill spouse.  Already stressed to the max, adding compassionate caregiving demands an incredibly difficult balancing act. The following coping strategies may help. Because caregiving is such a universal task, faced by nearly all of us at one time or another, I hope you find these strategies helpful as well.

Be clear about today’s reality. Don’t imagine things are worse than they are. Enjoy the good parts of today and don’t let worries for tomorrow take over your emotions and thoughts.

Talk honestly to family and friends. Honest, frequent communication with close family and friends from the start of diagnosis is much easier than trying to play catch-up later.

Expect and prepare for tough talks. Family and friends process the news about a serious illness at their own pace. They will not accept the reality of the illness on a schedule that meshes with yours. This means that sometimes family and friends will not understand the tension of your caregiving lifestyle, especially at first. This requires a difficult conversation about what the illness is, how it will be treated, and what kinds of side effects will be expected from the treatment and the disease itself

Learn the medical lingo. It will help you as a caregiver and a medical advocate to learn the lingo surrounding your loved one’s illness. The Internet is a helpful resource, but you need to learn what Web sites can be trusted.  Even with a trusted Web site, don’t believe everything you read. Not all information will pertain to your loved one’s situation and you can worry yourself into a frenzy over some Internet information you have read. Ask questions of the doctors and nurses. Check the accuracy of your information if you are at all troubled or in doubt.

During treatment, pain or pain medication might do some talking. Be aware that pain, stress and pain medications will release the patient from their social “filter” and they can and probably will say some interesting and difficult things at times. Actually, caregivers do this, too, as stress lifts our social filters at unexpected times—forgive yourself as well when this happens. Listen and be compassionate as best you can. Children and teenagers will need help understanding the changes in their loved one’s personality, especially to know that the changes are not permanent.

Control what you can control. Lots of articles about stress-management advise letting go of control; however, I have found that being in control of some areas helps to greatly reduces stress.  For example –

Get help with housework or yard work—paid or unpaid. Help with household chores or yard work can help make your home a sanctuary. 

 Prepare meals in advance and freeze them.

Keep bills and insurance paperwork organized so there are fewer financial surprises. Make necessary phone calls to insurance companies, and pay bills, or call to arrange payments, on time.

Do three things every evening before you go to bed—laundry, dishes and take out the garbage. The morning will be much more of a gift.

You may find other things that give you a sense of control and therefore help reduce stress.

Let go of what you cannot control. – Easier said than done, but important for keeping stress to a minimum.

Nest  Everyone, especially people who are recovering from illness or injury and their caregiver, needs a comfy chair—a place to relax and rejuvenate. Make a comfortable nest for your loved one and for yourself by adding afghans, pillows, fresh flowers, candles, books and great music to your comfy chair area. This is important to do both at your home and at the hospital should there be an extended stay there.

Make comfort food. Think about what your patient is hungry for, and then consider the details—digestibility, comfort, correct textures, temperature and presentation.

Enjoy life today. Remember, your loved one is a person with interests, not just a patient. And, as a caregiver, you are a person with interests; not just a patient’s caregiver.

Take good care of yourself. Eat good food, exercise a little, rest well and learn to say no to outside demands.

Release yourself from expectations for perfection. As humans, we all experience finitude when we do not have infinite energy, wisdom or capabilities to manage our lives. This is normal. Get through each day as best you can, and don’t dwell on mistakes.

I hope these strategies work to help you both in your caregiving work and in reducing the stress that comes from this part of life’s journey.